Resilience and parenting: A package deal
Resilience is a quiet constant within us. It’s one of the things we don’t give ourselves credit for. We easily take it for granted and rarely bring awareness to it. It’s an unsung hero. It doesn’t ask for recognition or accolades. It quietly keeps us moving forward.
Resilience is necessary as we navigate all the uncertainties, challenges, and seasons of our lives. When we stop to acknowledge our resilience, we can be consciously reminded of the extraordinary power we possess.
Something comes immediately to mind when considering constant lability, unpredictability, lots of moving parts, and oh-so many feelings. The most insanely awesome and mind-blowingly challenging job. The one where no matter what kind of disaster or triumph, no matter how many things you are juggling… you keep putting one. foot. in. front. of. the. other. Oh yes… let’s talk about parenthood.
Parenthood is a testament to resilience.
If you are a member of this crazy club, you navigated whatever it has taken to get here to parenthood. The mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual experience of becoming a parent. As each child hits a new developmental milestone, we become a new parent again. And again. And again. We bend, we stretch, we build, we repair. We keep moving forward. So much of parenthood is intently focused on the littles (and one day the not so littles). Among the myriad of things that come as a wild surprise in this parenthood package is the added task of growing ourselves at the very same time we grow our children.
Who knew how many of our own challenges (the old, deeply ingrained ones) would float to the surface while we cooked up our own little beings? How could we have been ready for how much we would come to realize about ourselves as children, as partners, as parents, as people? Being a parent, undoubtedly summons the child in each of us. Our childhood can be a nostalgic, joyful, terribly painful place to visit. Consciously parenting challenges us not only to parent our children, but to reparent ourselves. Somehow this seems unfair. Maybe we are working tirelessly to break the cycle of how we were parented. Maybe we are missing a parent who’s no longer with us. Maybe we’re feeling a longing to return to the simpler times of our childhood when we didn’t have to do this adulting (why, as kids, do we want to grow up so fast again?). When you think about your childhood, maybe you’re flooded with guilt, fear, joy, regret, love, appreciation, sadness, pain, and/or comfort. Maybe all of the above and so much more.
Needless to say, this can be a mixed bag. When you have a child, the contents of this bag get spilled out all over the floor and could closely resemble what your playroom might look like right this very moment. This opportunity to look at our own challenges feels like finding a $20 bill in the pocket of a coat you haven’t worn in a minute. Except it’s basically shredded and in order for it to have any usable value, you have to go through the effort of taping that sucker back together. It’s phenomenal and also a task that you certainly didn’t voluntarily sign up for. You know that $20 will bring value, the impact of having found it will be profound. But it might not exactly be something you’re pumped to make the effort to piece together. In all your free time…
We put ourselves on the back burner. Lowest on the totem pole. As people and particularly as parents. We will always be there to work on, to put first, to be easier on, to be kind to, to love unconditionally… later. We will always find a reason why we don’t matter as much as _________. Pssssst: Taking the time to devote to yourself does not mean you are putting yourself ahead of anyone else (and even so, you have full permission to do just that). It does mean that you are treating yourself as you would someone else. Giving yourself the same courtesy you would another. The same care, kindness. What about someone you love? How would it be to treat yourself as you do your child?
What if we never let go of the child we were? When did we stop deserving to be treated with the unconditional love, grace, wonder, and appreciation we have for our children? Mel Robbins was spot on when she said “So far you’ve made it through 100% of your toughest days. The odds are in your favor.” You are doing your best. Some days, your best may be 100%. Others it may be closer to 10%.
To all those who are doing this parenting thing: You are resilient because you don’t quit. No matter what kind of day you had yesterday, you get up today and do it all again. You reflect, regroup, repair. You adjust. You create new ways to navigate the ever-changing terrain of parenthood. This persistence, this constant, this example sets the stage for the resiliency of our children. It gives them full permission to fail and to try again. And again. And again. To learn with each mistake, each obstacle, each triumph. To hold themselves as the capable, trustworthy, reliable, spectacular human beings we know they are and will become.
Keep going.
Here to be with you as you tape together this magnificent $20 bill. You are worthy of this.
