How to live in decision making H-E-double-hockey-sticks
Decision making is absolutely unavoidable. Daily life consists of near-constant choice making. We choose around our own needs and desires as well as those of others. We triage circumstances that arise unexpectedly as well as manage scenarios that give us the luxury (or torment) of time to plan and deliberate. Some choices are made automatically without conscious thought. For example, do you collide with the person walking directly towards you on the sidewalk, or do you gracefully swerve and continue on your way? Some are automated by our most primal drive to survive (fight, flight, or freeze). And yet, for those decisions that are conscious, many of us find ourselves experiencing varied degrees of torture. We may struggle with decisions as mundane as what’s for dinner and as complex as what to do with our lives. While we could pick apart each individual decision, it would make for a conversation that’s all too familiar. Instead, let's focus on where a sustainable impact can be made: the decision maker.
This episode comes to you from a soul who has long been tormented by decision making. If you, too, got a left ear cartilage piercing as a reminder that you can, in fact, make decisions, you’re in good company here. If we can be honest in admitting that making decisions doesn’t come easily (maybe to put it lightly), where do we start to change this narrative?
Understanding the foundation. What is the most uncomfy part about making a choice for you? What factors make for a decision-making nightmare? Maybe it’s the potential impact, permanence of the decision, or the time you are given to make it. Maybe there’s a trend around a topic that is more challenging. Maybe you make decisions easily and routinely regret them. Bringing consciousness to the struggle can be painful, eye opening, and empowering. Defining your values, identifying your honest needs and desires, and connecting with your goals (both personal and professional) lays the foundation for being grounded in decision making. Exploring a few factors that make decisions so agonizing may help to begin redefining the way you see yourself in this capacity.
Self-limitation. How often do you find yourself in a tug of war between options A and B? This can make for what feels like an impossible choice. What would be possible if you create an option C? Often, we don’t give ourselves nearly enough credit for how creative and resourceful we are. While there are certainly black and white situations, many others offer a shade of gray (upon request). Limiting ourselves to two options can leave us in a stalemate. What else could be possible (even if it’s not logical or efficient)? Brainstorming an option C (and beyond) may help to clarify real versus self-inflicted limitations.
Giving up the last word. Looking to others to decide for us offers a scapegoat if things don’t go the way we’d like. It gives us someone to blame, or at the very least someone to share accountability. It also influences decisions that may not be truly aligned with who we are, what we value, or what we want. Allowing others to put a hand on the wheel cheats us of the opportunity to steer freely and in line with what we want. This is not to say never to consult or to always go it alone. Recruiting trusted resources can be hugely helpful in supporting the process it takes to make a choice. However, having the last word does mean that you are capable, brave, and responsible to own your choices. Despite the many mistakes you are destined to make, you are resilient. So many opportunities for learning and growth come from not getting it right. You get to have the last say in the decisions you make. Don’t give that up.
Fear. Decision making is terrifying because of the unknown. We don’t know what will unfold after we make this decision or how we will feel about it. We don’t know how others will be impacted or what they will think of our choice (and of us for making it). We don’t know if the choice is right or wrong. Intolerance of the unknown gives our minds full permission to run down every possible scenario around a decision. However, after this monumental effort, the majority of the possible outcomes we drum up will never come to fruition.
We are phenomenal storytellers. Our stories include mistruths that are happy to take center stage as we try to make choices deliberately. Have you ever attached your self-worth to the outcome of a decision (your choice does not define who you are)? Have you ever treated a decision as if it were final (while few are, many are not)? Have you ever felt that the choice you are considering is the most important factor in your present life (sometimes it is hard, in the moment, to see the bigger picture)?
If we tell the story that’s true, the majority of factors, outcomes, and feared unknowns are beyond our control.
So what can we control? Our intentions. Our diligence in conscious, honest consideration. How we choose to navigate the decision outcome. And the rest? The remaining factors are truly not ours to control. While a decision we make will have an impact, we cannot control it (even if we wish we could). A little something to marinate on:
“If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for the other. The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around the decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.”
- Deepak Chopra
Making decisions can be exceptionally hard. We care about what happens. We know our choices have an impact (on ourselves and others). While all these things are true, set the stage for decision making by taking a pause. Start with the foundation: What do you value, need, want, and envision? Free yourself from self-imposed limitations. Have the last word. Take control of the things you can, let go of the things you can’t. Tell yourself the truth. Be brave. Know that no matter the outcome of a decision, you will, without a doubt, navigate what comes next. This decision will lead to the next one and the next one. And the next one. You get to make the choices that shape your life. How awesome is that?
This is a weighty topic (to put it lightly). Here to carry it with you.
I invite you to explore some exercises with a free EK Coaching & Wellness handout: Navigating Decision Making
