Peeling back the label: Intentionally considering identity
What is identity? It took me a while to get my head screwed on straight for this one. I’m still not sure it is. Here’s a crack at it anyway. Per Merriam-Webster Dictionary, identity is “the distinguishing character or personality of an individual”. In thinking more about it, I believe true identity consists of who and how we are. I’m going to call us out. I call that we can be quite liberal with marrying external factors to our identities. We unconsciously attach things that we do to who we are as individuals. We define who we are by choosing the language we use to identify ourselves. It is worth recognizing the power a label has. What would happen if we were more conscious of the external labels we adopt? If we were picky with what we accept as part of our core? If we took great care in intentionally determining the makeup of our identity?
Confused? Hold up - I’ll show you what I mean. Are you a runner? Or are you someone who runs? If you stop running, are you still a runner? You could be, but you don’t have to be. If we consider that we are the “someone” (the you in there) and not the “something” (running in this case), will we feel less thrown off balance when things change around us? Less rocked by the things we do or don’t do? The things that happen or don’t? Would we be able to allow these external factors less power in defining who we are?
Attaching to a title gives power to something external. It obligates us to live within the confines of how the label is defined. It limits what’s possible for the “someone” in there. If we are able to strip back the layers of what we do to reveal the core characteristics beneath, we can see that we are not what we do. We are the beings who choose what we do (or don’t do).
Let’s try again. Are you a mother? Are you someone who mothers? Are you both? If you feel “mother” is who you are, how do you define it? What makes you a mother? What characteristics of yours are expressed in motherhood? Phew! What I’m wondering is about which components of who you are define your motherhood. I would venture to guess that those characteristics are not exclusive to your role as a mother. I would bet that they are fluid parts of you that came far before motherhood and are expressed in a million different ways in your life. Sometimes I think becoming a mother feels like motherhood has taken over your identity entirely. How would it feel to see motherhood as one of many expressions of your identity?
Assuming the label of mother invites unending expectations and should after should after should. But if you’re the “someone” who is also a mother… If it’s just you in there, could you carry out this role by being exactly that? Instead of adopting all the external implications that wrap themselves tightly around the six letters of m-o-t-h-e-r. Maybe then, could motherhood feel more like an extension of our identity and less like a replacement?
I found this exercise empowering when considering change. Freeing even. Safe in the face of wild uncertainty. Recognizing that the pieces of myself that are core to my being aren’t lost or discarded when something changes in my life. Who and how I am informs what I choose. It helps to guide my expression of values and contribute my uniqueness to the world. Removing the title of something we are doing from who we are frees us from its implications. When making a change, this affords flexibility and groundedness to pivot from center as opposed to taking a leap.
Let’s envision acting as an archer, directing the trajectory of the arrow from our familiar, sturdy bow instead of being jolted. Instead of flinging ourselves like Super Mario from block to block with the ever-present uncertainty of falling through the pixelated gap to the dreaded “game over”. Through this lens, it becomes more fluid to reinvent ourselves, redirect our efforts, and rebrand our image in the world. It allows us to take risks in the name of reaching for all that is possible. To recognize that making a different choice does not mean letting go of who you are. Come what may, you are in there.
